Most of you only know me through the stories I write here, or the feedback I may have given you on your art over the years. Very few of you will have ever, or may ever meet me in person, but such is the nature of this medium; we get to connect with people from all over the world, but that reach allows for connections that are forever doomed to be distant. So it goes.
My frustration with points of connection like these, and I'm finding the same with clients determined to maximize time by using conference calls, text, and emails instead of face to face meetings, my frustration is that we, you and I, can't read body language when we communicate, can't read expression, can't easily say "wait, sorry, I don't understand what you meant there, are you saying...?" This often leads to misunderstanding, and misunderstanding leads to conflict, anger, resentment, or hurt, often out of sight where the person who has, often without intention or knowledge, caused someone else some kind of anguish, and where that person has no idea what they've done, or that they've done anything at all. If we're translating between two languages, that adds another layer entirely of possible miscommunication with no visual cues to guide us, or immediacy of resolution.
I write largely as a means of self-preservation, it's been a mechanism to harness a mind that runs me into the ground if left unguided, and I've used it for as long as I've recognized my mind can't be trusted idle on its own for too long.
I post what I write because it forces me to continue writing, if there was no expectation, even self-imposed, there would be no motivation other than self-care, and that's seldom enough. I also hope that my ideas provide some value to the people who read them, that they're thought-provoking, or at least entertaining.
I also value a great deal the feedback I get, both positive and negative. It helps me improve, it boosts my confidence, and if we're being honest here, it reminds me that I'm not alone.
Here's a confession, if you've got this far you've earned it; my default assumption in any social circle is that nobody cares that I'm there, and honestly would be happier if I wasn't. I think people are being polite when they engage with me, and I'm often trying to find any excuse to unburden the crowd of my presence, not because I don't want to be there, but because I don't think anyone else wants me there. Have you ever felt like that? Is it just me?
Now, the rational part of my brain knows that isn't true, and I have a good number of friends that I trust for which I know with unquestioned certainty that isn't true, but then we don't know each other that well, do we? It doesn't help that the rational part of my brain isn't always driving. I've lived with anxiety and depression for most of my life, I don't suffer with them, I'm pretty fucking good at both, but sometimes they've got the wheel, and that overactive imagination isn't otherwise engaged, and things go a little bit sideways.
Throw some personal issues, financial stresses, my one remaining parent aging and bringing into sharp focus his and ultimately my mortality. Add to that living in a world that's both on fire and seemingly gone mad, and things get a little hard to handle.
Here's the important bit.
Know this: If you've sent something to me, or said something to me, I've read it, I've heard you, I appreciate it and you even if I can't always bring myself to respond. If you feel like you're being ignored, or that you've been forgotten, you haven't, I appreciate that you're there, even if sometimes it seems like forever since I've told you. If that's not enough, I'm sorry, but I understand - I do - you all deserve more than I'm able to provide sometimes, and I don't blame you for leaving. I submarine when I'm underwater, and I may go long periods without surfacing.
If you follow me on the more traditional social media outlets, you may find me sparring with people about the mess we're in, and may wonder how I can do that but I can't answer you specifically. That outlet is easy, it's shadowboxing, it's a stress reliever that requires no mental or emotional engagement, it's reflex. Talking with any purpose is much, much harder, and often I can do one and not the other.
If I've hurt you intentionally, it will be very, very clear that it was intentional - we'll talk about it in the moment and you'll know. If I've hurt you in any other way, ever, know that it wasn't intentional, and I likely won't have any idea that I have. I'm not carelessly unkind, and if I feel like I have hurt you and don't understand what happened, know that fact is hurting me too. If you find yourself in this situation, with me or anyone for that matter, please - talk it out. If it's a misunderstanding, you'll feel better for having it cleared up, and if it's not, you'll galvanize your anger and know that it's justified, and I'll know what I've done, but in either case, be sure.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.